ThisKevin

by Kevin on March 28th, 2014

This Saturday night, Kevin Maher will be reading from Leaping Lanny Poffo’s poetry collection at KEVIN GEEKS OUT ABOUT WRESTLING. Get tickets HERE!

And here’s Kevin’s poem about Wrestling A to Z.

A is for ANDRE, he has a posse

B is for BOBBY, brainy and bossy

C is for CM, straight-edge represent!

D’s DIBIASE, wrestling’s 1%

E’s for ELIZABETH, sexy and sassy

F is for FREDDIE, he’s so fuckin’ classy

G is for GEORGE, green tongue eats turnbuckle

H is the HULKSTER with Fred Flintstone stubble

I’s IRON SHEIK, with crippling Camel Clutch

J is for JIMMY, who talks too damn much

K is for KING KONG who caused much commotion

L’s LEAPING LANNY, poetry in motion

M is for MACHO, ooohh yeah, all the way

N is for NIKOLAI, hates U.S.A.!

O is for BARRY O, destined to lose

P’s for PAUL BEARER, a ghoul among ghouls

Q is for QUEEN KONG, self-proclaimed Glamazon

R’s ROWDY RODDY, put the damn glasses on!

S is for SLAUGHTER, who became a cartoon

T is for TUGBOAT (also known as “Typhoon”)

U’s the UNDERTAKER, a death-obsessed hottie

V is for VENTURA, a Governing Body

W’s WARRIOR perfected the suplex

X is for X-PAC, (because his name starts with X)

Y’s YOKOZUNA, a sumo belly driver

Z is for ZEUS, with the wall-eye of the tiger

Kevin Geeks Out About Wrestling: Saturday 3/29 at the Alamo Drafthouse from Kevin Maher on Vimeo.

by Kevin on March 21st, 2014

Wrestling superstars and super-fans come together in Kevin Geeks Out About Wrestling. Comedian Kevin Maher hosts a pop-culture cavalcade, featuring rare clips from obscure movies, infamous matches and vintage videos. The 2-hour show includes some of the weirdest moments in sports entertainment, plus trivia, prizes and a roundtable discussion on wrestling rumors, myths and legends.

Kevin Geeks Out About Wrestling: Saturday 3/29 at the Alamo Drafthouse from Kevin Maher on Vimeo.

KEVIN GEEKS OUT is a live video variety show that obsesses over some of the greatest topics in pop culture. The event brings together guest experts, rare film footage and trivia prizes. Since 2008, Kevin has geeked out with 27 different shows, including Bigfoot, Robots, Video Games, Frankenstein, Dummy Deaths and Visions of the Future.

by Kevin on March 8th, 2014

Three new videos from the ANDREW 12-SIDED DICE CLAY web-series.

Plus an appearance by rival geek comic, JEFF BALROGWORTHY.

For more, visit A12SDC.tumblr.com

by Kevin on March 1st, 2014

On Saturday March 29th, it’s the 3rd annual KEVIN GEEKS OUT ABOUT WRESTLING.

Kevin Geeks Out About Wrestling: Saturday 3/29 at the Alamo Drafthouse from Kevin Maher on Vimeo.

by Kevin on January 1st, 2014

Imagine an average, healthy woman.

Now pretend she gets extensive cosmetic surgery — collagen implants, eye lift, botox, the works.

But it’s a botched operation, leaving this woman a grotesque imitation of beauty standards.

That’s what WALKING WITH DINOSAURS is.

A BBC mini-series was transformed for American audiences and it’s a horror show.

My problem isn’t just with the movie, but the cultural forces that transformed it.

THE ORIGINAL MINI-SERIES

The 2013 American film is based on a BBC mini-series. It was the most expensive British television program ever made (and it shows, the series is visually stunning.) The program combined live-action locations with computer-generated creatures to create the closest thing we could get to a nature documentary about dinosaurs. Kenneth Branagh narrated the series, providing insights into the environment and habits of pre-historic reptiles.

Doesn’t sound too bad, does it?

THE CHANGES AND THE CHECKLIST

Significant changes were made to “reach a wider audience.”

The dinosaurs were anthropomorphized, making them obnoxious archetypes that are easily recognized by viewers of modern kids’ movies. There’s the scrappy runt Pachyrinosaurus (voiced by Justin Long). He’s a good- natured kid learning his way in a scary world of giant beasts and flying creatures.

His best buddy is an energetic Alexornis. It’s the wise-crackin’, fast talkin’ sidekick role that’s been voiced by the likes of Gilbert, Gottfried, Bobcat Goldthwait, even Eddie Murphy. Here we get John Leguizamo (who some kids might recognize as the voice of Sid the Sloth in all those ICE AGE movies.)

Many of these changes feel like they’re coming from some checklist of mainstream kiddie movies.

You get:

the generic little guy hero Bossy old brother Mandatory love-interest A brave parental sacrifice One character compares himself to a ninja (?!) A scene feature ironic use of music by Barry White

The jokes would feel played out in any post-SHREK world. But in this very stylish “documentary” film they’re terribly forced.

STORY OR WHATEVER

Maybe the reason this pains me is that there’s a profound disparity between the magnificent visuals and the sloppy script.

And that suggests a few things:

1. Story, character and dialogue take a backseat in mainstream entertainment.

2. The powers-that-be assume audiences will respond to a bunch of poop jokes and familiar character types.

I’m depressed as a professional writer, because the writing was an afterthought. (The feature film was planned to be a “silent movie” without dialogue, the script certainly feels slapped on.)

I’m insulted as an audience member, because the movie-makers think I’m so dumb that I’d want this would-be Dreamworks movie.

I’m outraged as a parent, because economic forces are determined to short-change my children with shoddy entertainment.

A TRADITION OF CHEAP KIDDIE ENTERTAINMENT

Before we go any further, I should point out there’s no “lip-flap” in WALKING WITH DINOSAURS. Characters’ mouths do not move, like on THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE. (At least the trains provide basic expressions to convey emotion.)

90 minutes of “telepathic” dinosaurs is a jarring dramatic experience.

During the movie, I couldn’t help but feel like I was watching a film by exploitation king K. Gordon Murray.Throughout the 1960s Murray bought the rights to half-a-dozen of low-budget Mexican Fairy Tale movies then re-dubbed them into English. He’d screen his Americanized versions of LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD or MOTHER HOLLY at weekend Matinee shows — and make a bundle in the process.

Again, this type of rampant, greedy model succeeds best when adults overlook quality in children’s media.

You can’t help but feel like WALKING WITH DINOSAURS lends itself to being re-dubbed into dozens of languages, starring the “Non-union Mexican equivalent” of Justin Long.

by Kevin on December 16th, 2013

(NOTE: The following essay originally appeared in the ‘zine “I LOVE BAD MOVIES”, volume 2. You can purchase it here)

BILLY JACK (1971) was a Drive-in Phenomenon that your parents will remember as that preachy hippy movie that introduced the song “One Tin Soldier”. It’s a real period piece that reflects America’s growing pains during the end of the Viet Nam war and Nixon’s Presidency. Part Western, part revenge film, it synergized bits of kung-fu action, Native American snake ceremonies and The Movement psychology along with some improvised scenes by Howard Hesseman for good measure. But this essay is about the love and sex and gratuitous nudity that make the movie great.

The plot is simple enough: a lone man goes up against a corrupt group of bigots that are threatening defenseless teenagers. (The film created a boilerplate for dozens of Steven Segal movies.) But at the core of this New-Age Western is a love story. Billy Jack (the short-tempered War Hero) loves Jean (the hippy pacifist who runs The Freedom School). But they’re so caught up in defending the children and Native Americans that they never get to express their love for each other.

As the hate-crimes escalate, Bernard (one of the film’s many villains) kidnaps and rapes Jean. (For the sole purpose of exacting revenge on Billy, who had recently pushed his Corvette into a lake.)

When Billy finds out about the attack, he gets on his motorcycle and tracks down Bernard in a lime-colored Arizona bordello. Billy kicks open the bedroom door and sees Bernard in bed with a naked young girl.

Billy speaks through clenched teeth, “How old are you?”

“13,” she answers.

“Get out.” He commands, and the girl runs across the room naked.

Bernard quickly takes out a revolver, shoots and misses his target** Billy karate chops Bernard in the throat, killing him instantly.

This one scene perfectly captures what makes the Billy Jack franchise so successful:

We, the viewing audience, get to condemn a man for sleeping with an underage girl.

But we also get to see her naked.

It’s the best of both worlds.

Throughout the film (and its sequels) Billy Jack strives to follow pacifism, but when he sees racism or sexism or hippie bashing, he… just… goes… BERSERK! And the ass-kicking begins! Again, writer-actor-director Tom Laughlin gets to have his cake and gun it down in cold blood, too – by preaching a message of Peace while filling the movie with exciting, lyrical bloodshed. By doing so, Billy Jack became the largest-grossing independent film of all time. (Source: back of Billy Jack DVD box set.)

Where are they now?

Writer-Director-Actor Tom Laughlin made four Billy Jack movies. He’s since written books about screenwriting, and the psychology of cancer. In 1992 he ran for President (and received 2% of the vote in the New Hampshire primary). Today Laughlin is developing a new Billy Jack film and is accepting donations via his website.

Update: Tom Laughlin passed away on Thursday December 12th. He was 82.

** From a short distance that may have inspired George Lucas to say “Sure, Greedo could miss Han Solo.”

by Kevin on October 16th, 2013

To get ready for Friday’s show (KEVIN GEEKS OUT: ALL ABOUT EVIL**) here’s an A-Z poem about horror films.

A is for Alien, chest-bursting bitch

B is for Belial, makes baskets twitch

C’s for Chatterer, cenobite #2

D is for Damien, this hanging’s for you

E is for Evil Dead, like Ash destroys

F is for Freddy, rapped with Fat Boys

G is for Graboids, Tremors’ worms on the prowl

H is the Hitcher, stalking C. Thomas Howell

I is for Isaac, creepy kid priest

J is for JAWS (the first two, at least)

K is for Killdozer, killing machine

L is for Leatherface, based on Ed Gein

M’s Michael Myers, a sequel approaches

N is The Nest, flesh-eating cockroaches

by Kevin on October 15th, 2013

Looking for some scary movies this Halloween? Horror Hound Kevin Maher rounds up some of the most obscure films you’ve never heard of, because you don’t know anything.