“There is something undeniably appealing about watching gorillas dressed like Fonzie aiming shotguns at Moses dressed like Tarzan.”
ThisKevin
the adventures of Kevin Maher, writer-comedian
Since it’s SHARK WEEK, I’ll look at the two kinds of shark movie posters.
Let’s compare a classic with a new one:
The gold-standard is the above artwork for the 1975 film JAWS. We all know this iconic image: Lady swims naked, blissfully unaware that she is about the be chomped by the giant shark.
But in SHARK NIGHT’s image, the woman realizes the life-and-death situation, her face expresses panic and terror as the leviathan lunges towards her.
So which works better for you?
To celebrate SHARK WEEK, I’m sharing this link to the very special JAWS 2 graphic novelization (with an emphasis on graphic!) It’s presented in full “MARVEL-COLOR”; the magazine boasts that each page was an oil-painting. It’s a real labor of love. 
Marvel’s book is certainly more impressive (and more violent) than this children’s JAWS 2 COLORING BOOK, which I mentioned in a previous post.
For a lengthy exploration of all 20th century shark-media, you can check out this extensive recap of the obsessive theme-night KEVIN AND MATT GEEK OUT ABOUT SHARKS.
Related video:
A is for Alien, chest-bursting bitch
B is for Belial, makes baskets twitch
C’s for Chatterer, cenobite #2
D is for Damien, this hanging’s for you
E is for Evil Dead, like Ash destroys
F is for Freddy, rapped with Fat Boys
G is for Graboids, Tremors’ worms on the prowl
H is the Hitcher, stalking C. Thomas Howell
I is for Isaac, creepy kid priest
J is for JAWS (the first two, at least)
K is for Killdozer, killing machine
L is for Leatherface, based on Ed Gein
M’s Michael Myers, a sequel approaches
N is The Nest, flesh-eating cockroaches
Not Jeremy
My friend Jeremy was revising his screenplay and emailed me to see if I could contribute a joke about a serial killer. (It’s for his amazing-looking feature LUCID, but that’s beside the point.)
I scribbled a few bad jokes, some were really bad, others weren’t bad enough.
Even though he needed a quick exchange, I penned this narrative joke, which is liking something out of the Blanche Knott books I would sneakily read as a kid:
SERIAL KILLER JOKE #1 (of 2)
Charles Manson, Jack the Ripper and Jeffrey Dahmer all walk into a bar.
The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve serial killers.”
Manson says, “But I’m not a serial killer. I just had a devoted cult who killed on my behalf.”
The bartender says “okay,” and gives him a beer.
Jack the Ripper says, “But I’m not a serial killer. I was just a scapegoat for several murders committed by the Royal Family.”
The bartender says “okay,” and gives him a beer.
Jeffrey Dahmer says “I’m not here for a drink. I just want to find a man to seduce, murder and eat.”
* * *
SERIAL KILLER JOKE #2 (of 2)
I had written several more jokes, and I tried them all out on my wife.
For one of them I asked the question “How many serial killers does it take to screw in a light bulb?”
My original punchline was just okay.
But upon hearing it, my wife immediately said “I thought you were going to say `TWO: One to change the bulb and one to make a lampshade out of a prostitute.”
Such a better joke.
And the thing is, but she just fired that one off without thinking about it.
My wife is funnier than me.
* * *
RELATED:
Watch the trailer for Jeremy Carr’s LUCID
Lucid – Feature Film Trailer from Jeremy Carr on Vimeo.
And check out material from OLD SKETCH WEEK.
Having just acquired this box set, I am suddenly sorry I didn’t get a pre-nup.
I came across an old SILVER SURFER comic book, that was on sale for just a dollar. ($0.25 less than it originally sold for, in 1987.)
Last time I read this issue, I was 13 years old.
Looking back, it’s easy to see why I would’ve been drawn to the Surfer. On page 36, he tells his former boss/father figure:
“I DARE, GALACTUS — BECAUSE I, TOO HAVE AN INFLEXIBLE WILL — AND IT IS COUPLED TO CONSICENCE!“
adding:
Edgar Allen Poe made black cats a staple a horror, you still see them each year as Halloween decorations.
But as far as horror movies go, it’s dog territory.
Because people fear dogs. (And it’s much easier to direct a canine.)
Yahoo News did a story about the white working class. This guy is the face of the white working class?
Was Mojo Nixon unavailable?
This Thursday (July 7th) I’m screening a double feature — two kindertraumatic© cult classics
THE CHILDREN (1980) and DON’T GO TO SLEEP (1982) in New York City. Click HERE and get tickets.
EVIL CHILDREN DOUBLE FEATURE
Thursday July 7 @ 8:00pm
92Y Tribeca, 200 Hudson Street, New York, NY
two films for the price of one (just ten bucks!)
THE CHILDREN (35mm print)
When a school bus detours past a leaky nuclear-power plant, the pre-teen passengers transform into homicidal zombies with black fingernails. The children use their newly discovered nuclear powers to fry adults by hugging them to death! The ghoulish kid actors steal the movie; their hokey performances magnify the horror. You might find yourself rooting for the evil tweens as they stalk their obnoxious parents. Director Max Kalmanowicz invokes VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED and NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD, while delicately balancing genuine terror with satiric edge. The low-budget creepfest features a haunting score by Henry Manfredini, who would replicate the music for the soundtrack to FRIDAY THE 13TH that same year.
Director: Max Kalmanowicz. 93 min. 1980. 35mm.
DON’T GO TO SLEEP
Aaron Spelling’s notorious made-for-TV movie pulls out all the stops: tweens in straight-jackets; killer pizza-cutters; death by pet lizard; and a hysterical Valerie Harper. Harper’s 12-year-old daughter Mary has been acting strange ever since the mysterious death of her family’s beloved older sister. One by one, Mary’s family members meet the most gruesome ends imaginable. The perky murderess is played to perfection by Robin Ignico (runner-up for the lead in the film version of ANNIE). The movie co-stars Ruth Gordon, Dennis Weaver and Oliver Robins (the kid from POLTERGEIST). See why Kindertrauma website called it “Highly engrossing, admittedly campy, indisputable creepy, and nearly impossible to shake.”
Director: Richard Lang. 93 min. 1982 (Made for TV)
Related links:
Kevin on DON’T GO TO SLEEP: the movie that will change the way you look at pizza cutters
Kevin’s Interview with Max Kalmanowicz (director of THE CHILDREN)
So Bad It’s Good: Mazes & Monsters (reviewed by Kevin & Rusty)